no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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