xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
