The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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