So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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