All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
