I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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