I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
