her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
