How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
