Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
