Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
well you can't waste a boner
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
