I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
