So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I met the friendliest cop last night
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
