toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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