I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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