I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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