i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
