it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
