Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
