I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize