I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
