Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
