the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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