last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
