Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
