Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
