You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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