she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
