My hand turned me down
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
