every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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