I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
