I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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