I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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