I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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