she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
