dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
