tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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