remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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