oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
