I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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