On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize