was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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