If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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