if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize