the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
