I faked an abortion last night.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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