just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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