i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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