we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
