Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
