Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
