i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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