Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
