I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
