I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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