Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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