Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
