your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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