i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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