when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize