the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize