I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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