I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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