Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
