my vag is so smooth its legendary
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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