a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
