You just made me feel so damn special
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
