I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
the liver wants what the liver wants
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
