If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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