Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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